Yesterday I had my first video session with my new therapist. It went ok. Well, actually it felt very awkward to me. Online therapy is so freeing. It’s almost like blogging. I can put whatever I want to out there, it’s both more personal and more anonymous than face to face (I realize that’s contradictory, but I’m sure you know what I mean). In person feels, well more vulnerable.
I had already googled my new therapist so I knew what she looked like, but putting a voice and mannerisms with that was different. I’ve only ever seen my therapist before her. I couldn’t help but notice all of the differences. I’m not judging whether that is bad or good, just noting that its different.
We talked a bit about feelings. It started with a conversation about how I feel about having my last session with my other therapist. I rationalized all the reasons that it was good and then she told me “you are allowed to have feelings”. I know this , but I’m used to rationalizing them before I allow myself to feel them.
We got into self perception a bit and I shared that I still feel defective for having a mental illness. I explained my childhood and why I would feel that way and she said “I hear you, but how do you feel about your daughter having a mental illness”. I told her that I felt guilty, like it’s my fault that my daughter has to deal with this. She said “that’s not what I mean, do you think less of her”. I said of course not. She asked why I think less of myself then. That’s definitely a different way of looking at it.
Anyway I will continue with the text therapy for now and the monthly video sessions and see how that goes.