This is a new feeling for me. Anger feels wrong, it definitely feels like one of those things I shouldn’t feel.
I shared most of my last post with my new counselor. She said that the narrative I’ve been believing is a lie. She said at every point in my life, at my best and worst, I deserved to have supportive parents who loved me just because I’m me. This statement makes me so angry with her and I don’t know why. She also said she completely understands why losing T is so hard on me. I finally got the parenting relationship I was missing and now its gone and it feels unfair. There is such a disparity between what T was for me, and what my parents were or were not that its just sad. And she’s right. And I still want that parenting relationship but now where do I get it.
I talked about it a little bit with hubby yesterday . I don’t know if he completely understands what I’m going through but he was supportive and so I felt less alone with my feelings and that’s always good.
My counselor also said maybe its time to reframe the narrative that I’m bad with feelings. She said I’m very perceptive about my feelings and very able to articulate them. I think maybe she’s right. I think saying I’m no good with them is like my last mental safety check that lets me stuff them instead of deal with them or express them. So its not a matter of can’t anymore.
Anyway, I’m going to talk to her some more today, and maybe do some worksheets to work on these feelings instead of just holding onto them.