I went to the gym at the apartment twice yesterday and worked out for about an hour and a half total and I went for a walk. I feel pretty good about that. What I don’t feel good about is the anxiety I got during my first trip to the gym. When I got there there was only one guy in there working out. Being alone with any guy in any situation makes me uncomfortable. Part of this anxiety stems from worrying about Hubby’s judgement of any interactions I might have with another guy and part of it is experience. When I was thirteen I made some stupid decisions that led to me being alone with a seventeen year kid in the woods outside of my church. There was coercion and sexual interactions that I wasn’t ready for and couldn’t say no to. When someone walked by and saw what was going on, the kid got up and ran. I was left alone, bleeding in the woods.
I had been physically and sexually abused by my brother since I was five, but up until the incident in the woods with the other kid I was a virgin.
It sounds so dramatic when I retell what happened but there was no actual violence so mentally I stop short of the word assault.
But this part of what makes up my discomfort around men.
Anyways, I talked to my counselor about this yesterday and she thinks that I can talk about it however I want, but in fact I am the victim of rape and assault on multiple levels. She thinks that accepting that is the first step towards healing from it. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I don’t know what “healing from it” entails. I don’t know if I have the emotional bandwidth to “accept” anything or to change the way I think about anything.