Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

Journal prompt #3

“A recent compliment”

The most recent compliment I received was yesterday and it was sort of off handed but it made me smile. 

Hubby and I were riding around in the car and I was talking to him about my conversation with academic advising and how I am officially ready to apply for the nursing program once my class is done and how I am ready to apply for graduation once this next semester starts. Anyway I said “it’s starting to look like I might actually get this degree” and he took my hand in his and said “I have always believed in you” 🙂

Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

To go or not to go

On Tuesday my school is hosting a bipolar awareness seminar. The professor I’ve taken all my psych courses with is hosting it and there are going to be speakers from local counselors and behavioral health centers. I’m thinking about going because I like the professor, I have bipolar, and I want to work in the mental health field. I have a few problems with the idea of going though. I already have classes on Tuesday so my daughter is already babysitting from 9:30 when Hubby goes to sleep till 12:30 when I get home. She would have to babysit an additional three hours. I’ve also never chosen to go to a seminar. I’ve been to a couple where the professor took us during class time, but I’ve never been to an elective one. Also, Hubby tends to get uncomfortable if I choose to do something out of the ordinary, especially if it involves me being out of the house while he is sleeping.

Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

Journal prompt #1

 Today’s prompt is

“Something I thought about a lot as a child was”
Something I thought about a lot (like every waking moment since I could have coherent thoughts) was being an adult. Seriously though, I feel like because of the way I was raised I didn’t actually get to be a child. I was homeschooled and isolated and ignored and repressed (I’ll stop here because this isn’t necessarily about the mistreatment of me as a child).

Anyway, I used to daydream about how it would be to grow up, about what kind of adult I would be. 

I imagined I would be a hippie and travel around in a converted school bus, I would always wear colorful dresses 🙂 Then I would meet the perfect person and settle down in a little apartment in a big city and raise a family. I would continue my painting and crafting and maybe sell some of my work. I would have lots of tattoos lol. I imagined that I would be a kind and caring person. I would be a good wife and make sure my husband knew he was loved. I would be open and accepting and love him and not try to change him. I would be a good mom. I would be patient. I would make sure my kids knew that they were loved and wanted and they were never a burden. 

I think I yearned for freedom and freedom of expression so much because I was so restricted and I think I yearned for a close and loving family because that is what I needed and wanted and never got from my family. 

It’s funny how life works out. I haven’t gotten around to the traveling around as a hippie part yet because I met my person early in life and we chose to have our kids early as well. I say my person rather than a perfect person because we are both imperfect but he is definitely my person 🙂 I haven’t gotten around to the living in a city yet either, but you know life is long 🙂 I have the loving and close family that I want 🙂 I also have the freedom of personal expression. I’ve got a good start on “lots” of tattoos and my hair is ever changing 🙂 and let’s not forget the piercings and gauges 🙂
I think overall I like this journal prompt 🙂 it made me smile a lot 🙂

Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

Working on me

When I think about my future and what I want to accomplish it includes helping people who are struggling with life challenges or mental health issues. 

Obviously this is a personal cause for me. 

But to do this I need to be stable myself. I actually need more than stability, I really need to know me and my own motivations and what I want and who I am (no pressure). 

That is part of why I took the life coaching course and that is also why I’m going to start journaling. I’m going to make a list of prompts and try to work through one every day (in addition to other posts I might do). Wish me luck!

Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

Life planning

When I went back to school I had this nebulous idea of what I would be. I would be a nurse or a teacher. Those were the only things I could see myself doing. And there were steps, so I never had to fully commit or think long term. I just committed to a step. One foot in front of the other. 

That was what I needed at the time. I wasn’t capable of seeing long term. I was barely capable of accomplishing the steps to get started on the short term goal, and the idea of completing it was so foreign to me. 

I was thirty one, a new driver, a stay at home mom, a high school graduate who had been homeschooled and had no college experience… etc. I was also in the throes of a recently diagnosed and untreated eating disorder, bipolar, OCD, and anxiety. 

Fast forward to now. I apply to the nursing program in three weeks, I apply for fall graduation in six weeks. And then if everything goes well I have a degree and I am part of a professional program. And I have the confidence to know that whether it goes well or not absolutely depends on how much work I put into it. I can make it go well. 

And looking at my timeline and the steps I need to take I started to think about what comes next, what I want out of life. 

Since I started therapy and meds and researched my family history of mental health I knew I wanted to be involved in the field. I have taken all of my electives in psychology or medical fields, and I have done well.

I wasn’t sure where that would lead and I wasn’t ready to consider how to get there. 

I had a lot of people tell me I was smart enough that I should just go to med school. And I thought about it but I don’t think it’s a good fit for me. I think that biting things off in one to two year chunks is what I need. Especially since me and hubby are still open on the more kids idea. 

Yesterday I did a lot of research. And I found a doctorate in psychiatric nursing. It’s a lot of school but I found one that would take the BSN/RN that I am currently planning for and put me on a three year plan to my doctorate and nurse practitioners license. I can do that. I would be able to do counseling and prescribe medication. I think that I would find that meaningful and interesting and the continued education would actually be something I enjoy. 

But that is six more years of school. Thankfully I can bite it off in three smaller chunks. One foot in front of the other, but I still have a long term plan. I talked with hubby about it yesterday because the graduate program would require a move. He fully supports this and the move would be to somewhere we’ve lived before. I’ve never chosen to move for me. We’ve moved for hubby’s job and for the kids school, but never because it would be good for me. 

It makes me feel kind of selfish, but italso  makes this idea of me having an education and a career feel real. 

Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

Before and after

For the last nine days I have been taking two pictures of me every morning. I’m wearing the same style of panties and bra in each. The intent is before, during, and after photos. I can see a major difference after restricting and exercising for one week. I’m not sure if it’s healthy but it’s definitely motivating. I’m ready to be on the low end of my weight swing again. 

Posted in Alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, therapy, Uncategorized

Ooooooooold 😝

I colored my hair today 🙂 I change my hair a lot (seriously). I’ve had red / brown / black / pink / purple / blue / and blonde :p. I’ve had dreads for a while now and I colored them (black) today because at the ripe old age of 34 I have grays (a lot of them). To be fair though I’ve had grays since I was 22 ish. I blame my kids :p (it’s probably genetics, but there is nobody to guilt if I don’t blame my kids).

But anyway today was a busy day. We went to the courthouse and took care of our passport applications!!! Hooray for potential international travel !!!

I didn’t go to the gym today, but I guess it’s good to take a day off since I’ve gone 6 out of the last seven days. 

I ate a chik fil a kids meal for breakfast/ lunch and I may have to eat dinner too :/

Anyway, how does this relate to coloring my hair. I’ve been feeling busy, blah, and fat today so I decided to be nice to myself. I went to target and bought some bubble bath, hair color, and a glass of champagne. I’m going to give myself a face peel, whiten my teeth and paint my nails too 🙂